The Long Fall

The Long Fall
Watercolor sketch by Mary Stebbins Taitt (me)

I made a new watercolor sketch the evening of June 30, shortly after I came home from the hospital. I was thinking about my current health issues. I have now been sick almost four months. (Four months feels like an interminable time!)

The sketch also seems to be a metaphor for life (a somewhat pessimistic one, perhaps). I try to be REALISTIC, not pessimistic or overly optimistic, but realistic. The truth is, we age, we often become ill or incapacitated in various ways and then we die. Everyone we love will die. Including ourselves, of course.

I am not without hope. I do hope I will recover and have some happy productive and engaged years before I go. I am getting incrementally better, I THINK, each day. It is is difficult to tell, with the ups and downs and the pain.

Cartoon of unknown provenance
I apologize for using it without permission

The Long Fall II
by me
Click on any image to see all of them larger

Images: Watercolor sketch, in sketchbook. (The second version is inverted and hue altered.) The cartoon came from a forward, and I know nothing of its provenance, but it resonated for me, so I apologize to its author for using it without permission. Why is it that sad things are so funny and funny things so sad?

Health report: I THINK, as I said, that I am incrementally improved today over yesterday. I will know more later when I find out if I can do my exercises, prepare meals, walk at all, etc. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR LOVES AND LOVING SUPPORT!! 7-3-13 11:00 AM

Report on First poop after LIS (lateral Internal Sphincterectomy and Fissureotomy):

Questions are dribbling in, asking how I am doing and I dribble out responses, and after a while, I forget to whom I told what, so I am writing ONE report now.

It’s still less than 72 hours since my LIS surgery. Less than 3 days, and considering how long I was told it would take for me to recover, I would appreciate some patience in your expectations for me. (It actually makes me sad when your hopefulness is out of line with reality, and I feel as if I have failed you or that I am bad or incompetent at healing or something.) On the other hand, healing energy, loving thoughts and prayers are all appreciated very much. What I prefer is a realistic (not pessimistic) approach. And stories and anecdotes from YOUR LIFE to that all my attention is not focused on the surgery site.

I was feeling significantly better (improved) earlier today, better than yesterday which was better than the day before, AND better than before the surgery. NOT WELL, mind you. I still had pain and felt “delicate” there, at the surgery site. I was unable to do my exercises or walk far.

All that has changed now, and I feel worse again.

The reason I feel worse is that I have pooped now, twice. Pooping was not only very painful during the course of evacuation, but for hours afterwards. I am trying to avoid taking the heavy-duty painkillers, since they cause constipation, but I may have to break down and do so. So far, I have only had ibuprofen for the last 3 days, counting today.

So currently, I am still bleeding and I am having an unpleasant and beyond uncomfortable amount of pain. I also slept very poorly and am exhausted. Worse yet, I feel as if there is more poop waiting to descend. I may have to give up and take the Tylenol 3 with codeine.

Just about 72 hours from right now, I was finally entering surgery after a LONG LONG WAIT.

Morning report 6-29-13

My surgery was 42 hours ago. 1 3/4 days. I am still in recovery.  I am still bleeding from the anus.

But I am HOME! YAY!

Last night, I slept MUCH better than I did in the hospital.

I was up in the night, but instead of taking the Tylenol 3 with codeine, I took 2 ibuprofens, same this morning when I got up.

I feel more rested and more cheerful. Scared a little though. Some pain events are still to come. I haven't pooped yet since the enema before surgery.

The pain level at the moment is relatively low.

Today's the Day: LIS prep 2

I am leaving for the hospital in half an hour. YIKES!!!

So far, I'm better than I thought I would be at this point.

Last time, the enemas were devastating. (And difficult to do, also)

This time I tried a different position, and it worked better. I lay on the bathroom floor naked on my left side.

(THEN a heard knocking and called Graham, but graham didn't answer, so I had to dress, go down and let Kristina in and start over.)

I'm not saying it didn't hurt--it DID, and it BURNS. BUT it was actually BETTER than daily struggle pooping I've been having. (I hope I got enough out, though.)

(The box says not to use if there is an injury to anus, but the doctor said to).

I know, from last time, that once I leave to go to the hospital, the pain will escalate because I won't have the heating pad. But meanwhile, it's--well--not good, but not as bad as I expected at this point, YAY!

AK, fearful though. Had insomnia. I tired NOT to think about it and not to worry, but you know those purple elephants.

Prep, Part I, for LIS

Tomorrow, I have my LIS surgery, lateral internal Sphincterectomy.

This is a report on my continuing health issues, so just go elsewhere if not interested.

It mentions poop, so don't read it if you don't want to know.

Since I was up until 3 AM last night in wretched pain from late-night pooping with the fissure, I figured, since I was supposed to start fasting at noon, and that I'd pooping late, so maybe the poop for the day would hold off until later, the way it has ALL WEEK, and I'd have two meals in the morning, an early breakfast (which I almost never get any more) and an early lunch (but no dinner.) Wrong. In spite of the late-night pooping, I started pooping again early this morning, so I was in WAY too much pain to prepare food.

I can't take ibuprofen, and the acetaminophen isn't enough to make the pain bearable.

Finally, though, I bit the bullet and prepared two fast meals, first breakfast (OUCH) --yummy oaty-egg crepes with a stirfry and then a quick late lunch (late meaning it was 12:30, rather than 12. Too close together, but hey, I'm not going to eat again until tomorrow night at the earliest.

The food prep was VERY painful, and afterwards, I had to take my next dose of acetaminophen a half hour early (bad) because the pain was just too bad.

The food was good though. There wasn't any sliced turkey, so had to use little turkey pieces I'd frozen for omelets, and fresh lettuce and tomatoes. They were cold and crunchy in the sandwich. That was my latish lunch. no exercises or walking today. :-( (so far, and doesn't look likely). (The kids say it's hot out.)

Now I am fasting, until dinner tomorrow or later.

It is very difficult to be calm, serene, and faithful ETC ETC ad infinitum ad nauseam when the pain is so bad I have to keep leaping about. Sorry! :-(. It just doesn't work, angel or no angel. I appreciate your kind thoughts, though. :-(

About poop, don't read this if you don't want to know:

The latest poop, don't read this if you don't want to know, was all covered with blood. And when there is that much blood, there also a lot of pain. The blood comes from torn tissue. Sorry to be a downer. :-( But like I said, hard to be all cheery and serene when in this much pain. And all smiling and gay. Or even smiling and heterosexual.

So, again, the surgery is tomorrow at 2:30. I have to be there at 1:00 so will probably leave here just after 12:30 tomorrow. I will have had painful enemas to rev up my pain state and no way to adequately relieve it so no, I will probably not be cheery and calm. Sorry to be such a disappointment. I may be incommunicado for several days or more.

By the way, the little computer with failed botox procedure report is still missing, so I may have rewrite it.

Small solutions: Finally able to take a Shower!!!

I've been unable to take a shower for more than two weeks, because it hurts too much to stand (my anal fissure.)  We finally solved the problem.

I had thought earlier of a chair or stool for the bathtub, but couldn't think of one that would work, and the brainstorming got us going on it and Keith came up, after other ideas by both of us, including my camp stool, with the bench for Graham's keyboard. That seemed perfect!

 So this morning, we tried it, and it worked GREAT! Keith put a plastic kitchen garbage bag over it to protect the stuffing, as I was afraid water would would get in through the stitching holes and rot the stuffing. I was able to shower. I washed my hair twice. I cut my nails, finally, they were getting really long. YAY! (It feels great, except now my skin is peeling off hugely and I will need another shower to get rid of all that dead skin!)

Report from Appointment today

A Dream of Floating
acrylic, envelope

We had a long uncomfortable wait at Dr. Luis Barbe's office, but when we finally got to see him, he gave us his full attention. He was fully present and attentive and sympathetic. He listened to me (although he talked over Keith at one point).

He took one look at my butt and declared I had to have an operation. He said I could stay overnight. This was a huge weight off my mind. I've been terrified of the pain, because I've been in such agony I can hardly stand it. He said I could stay SEVERAL days if necessary. And that they would give me injectables for pain.

 I hope that the secretary made the appropriate arrangements, though, because he told me I needed ONE fleet enema in the morning, but she told me one the night before also. Which also means there may have been other miscommunications.

 He said the procedure (operation) was more than 95% successful in general and that he has never had to redo one. (I hope I'm not the first.) He said the operation itself only takes about 15 minutes and is very simple. He said that there was less than a 5% chance of anal incontinence.

 He said yes it hurts, it hurts a lot, but the hospital will help me deal with it, with injectables, (and later vicodin, miralax and metamucil.) I sure hope Katherine scheduled me for overnight.

THE EARLIEST they could get me in was Thursday June 27 at 3:00 (Or so--she said the hospital would call--they always want you in an hour earlier or something. (When they call, I will ask them about the overnight thing.) Dr. Barbe also said I could go in at 9 AM and have the nurses administer the enema. I don't know if I'm forgetting anything.


Note:  I wrote a report on the botox procedure, May 30, but that's on a computer which is missing, which is why it never got posted.