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| The Dire Wolf of Pain among the Posies Pain, and the efforts of others to pretend the pain is something less than it is click image to view larger. |
About half an hour ago, I had to urge to use the toilet. I'd already gone twice. (The doctor says that's normal for anal fissures--the pain causes the sphincter to tighten).
poop #1--painful, no visible blood, painful afterwards. Applied hot compresses.
poop #2--very painful. Some blood, not too much. Quite painful afterwards, still hurting from poop 1.
poop #3: VERY PAINFUL. FRESH red blood. HURTS A LOT!!! right now.
Most days I sit on the heating pad until 3:00 or later. Sometimes until bed. The heating pad relieves the pain, but I can't do much of anything. Some days I can't even get up to prepare myself breakfast until after noon, even after 2 PM. Some days, Keith has to make dinner because I'm in too much pain.
I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. It's easy for other people to say "things will get better," but I've had this since March, nine and a half WEEKS, every single day, day after day, and it is VERY PAINFUL! Sometimes agonizing. Sometimes I scream and leap around, it hurts so much.
The pain never goes away. NEVER. Sometimes, in the LATE afternoon and evening, it subsides to a burning pinch. When it reaches this point, I can tolerate it enough to do certain things, walk, cook, eat, paint. If I am doing something that really engages me, I forget about it, sometimes, and then I feel it again the minute I stop concentrating (on painting, for example).
I feel it all night long, whenever I wake up. (I wake up a lot.)
The pain is exhausting. It makes me tense, tired and cranky.
I don't like taking so many Ibuprofens. It's bad for me! But it is all I am allowed to take and I can't tolerate the pain without it. It doesn't help that much, but it does help some; it take some of the edge off. Also, I stopped taking half-aspirins as a blood thinner because I was bleeding so much. So any benefit I might get from taking the half-aspirins is lost.
The doctor says these things can heal by themselves. He also says the operation is VERY painful. AGONIZINGLY PAINFUL. WORSE than the fissure itself. He says the pain lasts 2-3 MONTHS, and that during that time, one is totally incapacitated. He had the operation himself, so he knows what he's talking about.
But the fact that fissures can heal by themselves doesn't inevitably mean that they will. MANY people require operations. And the fact that it has healed in the past does not necessarily mean it will heal by itself this time. The tear causes scarring, and each time you get it, the scarring gets worse. Which means that the sphincter is shrunk slightly and ripping is more likely to occur. It keep tearing it open every time I defecate. That's what the bleeding is.
I am sorry this is so gross to talk about. But it is even grosser to have it, and sad/difficult not be able to talk about it. It's depressing to be in pain every day.
(I have been talking about it, more than last time.)
The botox shots are a temporary fix, and the doctor says they are 70% effective. They wear off in three months. What they do is loosen the sphincter so that hopefully, the poop can come out without tearing it. It still has to HEAL on its own.
If, in two weeks, I'm still not improved, I will talk to the doctor about the botox shots. This is a hospital procedure which requires anesthesia.
Right now, as I am writing this, I am in quite a bit of pain. I keep leaping up and running in the bathroom to apply hot compresses to my butt. And then I sit on the heating pad. I have not had breakfast. I have not done my exercises, I have not washed up or gotten dressed, my entire morning so far has been pain and pain remediation.
There is a small amount of incremental improvement, however. The pain, while bad enough to make me cry during and immediately after the third poop today, is not so agonizing that I leap around and shriek in agony (nearly unbearable pain). I had some of that, early on.
I had two bad about three day days ago, and those were BAD, but not AS BAD as some I'd had earlier. Those two bad days were followed by three incrementally improved days. I would NOT say good days, considering that I am still incapacitated, essentially, and still suffering from a great deal of pain.
The other incremental improvement is that I could begin to function (do things) slightly earlier in the day the last couple days. Like maybe 2:30 in the afternoon instead of 3.
The last time I had some incremental improvements, I was hoping for healing, gradual day-day-improvements. Instead, I got worse again. :-(
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On a totally different not, we had 4-5 days of very hot weather (which, sadly, pushed the the flowers past very quickly), and Keith turned off the heat in the house. It's FREEZING in here. I am wearing 6 layers of clothes, a scarf and a hat and am still cold.
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